Being There

At least once a day I wonder what happened to the life I had once planned. This usually happens when I am sweeping floors or cleaning toilets. These rote household chores that require little brain power, allow my mind to wander back to a time that once was, and will never be again....

Once upon a time, I graduated Magna Cum Laude, Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Eta Sigma, won a scholarship to law school, rubbed shoulders with judges, practiced law at a prestigious law firm, and negotiated important contracts and million dollar settlements, and, in my spare time, I advocated and represented abused children and others in need.

That was back when I felt accomplished, confident, .... in control. That was a really long time ago, but I still occasionally have the guilty fantasies of having lunch out, manicured nails, and, sshhh, my own office.

There is no question that I love being able to be home with my children. I love being the one they come to when they've had a bad day, or need help with homework, or, any of the thousands of things they need from me.

I am a problem solver. And I'm glad I can be here to help my kids with theirs.

But these last few months have taught me a lot:

Sometimes things go wrong that I just can't fix., problems that can't be solved. Sometimes I have to let go of being in control.

From Diabetes, Biliary Atresia, and Multiple Sclerosis, to stitches, fevers, stomache aches, and colds. Our family has had a lot to deal with lately.

I know I can't always keep my kids from getting sick. And I can't always make things all better.
Sometimes, the only thing I can do...the BEST thing I can do, is just BE THERE.
And that's enough.

Signs of Spring

A few of my favorite things about our North Carolina yard in March

~A Photo Essay

Crocuses - one of the first blooms of the year!

New Hydrangea leaves popping out from sad looking brown sticks- I LOVE my Hydrangea bushes and want a whole yard full of them(!) and I get so excited to see them come back to life..

Tulips - who doesn't love tulips?

New leaves on my Clematis vine that I bought super cheap and thought had died

Strawberry plants that I thought were a one shot deal - they came back... bonus!

Azalea buds - blooming azaleas make up for their straggliness the rest of the year!

Yesterday was such a beautiful day, I just couldn't help but get out there in the yard and get my hands dirty. I was just trying to clean up some of the winter-mess that happens during the cold yard-neglecting months--pine cones all over the place, fallen tree branches, various household debris, and mountains of pine straw.

So I grabbed the rake to remove the winter blanket of pine straw off the beds and was surprised to see all manner of life hiding under there. - So excited I had to grab the camera...

Last night the weather started getting cold again and I had to go around and shut all the windows, dang....but very early this morning I was awakened by a little girl concerned about her meowing cat - it wasn't too long before we had three new tiny kittens.

Spring is here!

Bless His Little Preoccupied Heart

February flashback:

I had told him about it on the day it was first announced.

"Ok, sounds good, let's do that."
I brought it up several times in conversations about upcoming events over the next week and a half.
"Uh, huh."

That morning I reminded him, "Remember, be home by six, tonight's the night." "

Oh, yeah ok."

I sent a reminder email around mid-day.

no reply.

It was 5:30. I called his office, "Haven't you left yet?"

By the time he got home he was stressed and grouchy:

"I just don't like things sprung on me at the last minute!"

"Uh, huh."

I steered him to the front door and handed him our contribution to the evening's refreshments.

Then he saw these beauties:

The Valentines Day Daddy Daughter Dance...

I don't know exactly happened there while H-man and I were hangin' together at Chick-fil-a, but judging from the photos, I'm pretty sure the rest of the world melted away, and he just focused on his girls.

...getting him to email me the photos, however, took lots more nagging!

Pantsfight

Ok, it wasn't immediately apparent that we would have this situation on that day when Big T and I were shopping at Target and decided that the girls needed these sport-pants. Well, actually it was more him than me - since he has more fashion savvy than I do. They were big and comfy - like sweats, but semi-waterproof and make that unmistakable "swish" when you walk...however, there was only one color available. He insisted - they needed them.

So we purchased one pair for each of our girls...in the same color. And, of course they became each girls' favorite article of clothing.

Enter SNOW DAY.

'Swishy Pants" are the perfect pants for playing in the snow. When Grouper couldn't find her pair of swishy pants, she just threw on the first available pair - and being the same ccolor - who would know? Until Orca found out that hers were being worn by her sister and a giant PANTS-FIGHT broke out.

Wow.

I hope I never see the day when the teenage versions of these two are sweet on the same boy.

Finally, I guess they realized how much time they were wasting. someone compromised, and the two of them headed out to enjoy a

wintry-white no-school day... together.

I don't know where the Prophet is going

This guy has given me a few things to think about lately.

The other night while I was laying down with him at bedtime, (he still cons me into laying down "just for a few minutes" almost every night - and it's my favorite few minutes of the day), we were listening to the Primary songs and "Follow the Prophet" was playing.

He said, "I don't know where the Prophet is going."

Well, I thought that was pretty funny and laughed. But he was serious.

He knows this song. He's heard it and sang it a hundred times. It struck me that he was really listening to and thinking about the words of this song. It's a profound moment when you realize that your baby is no longer just an extension of yourself, with independent thoughts and points of view.

It's also eye-opening when you finally understand that kids really do hear things differently than adults do.

So in a few days, we will sit down and talk a little more specifically, in 'five-year-old-ese', about where exactly the Prophet is going, and why we follow him ...

Kindergarden Nutrition 101

I recently had a lesson in what my kindergardener considers to be the ultimate lunch. It was so cute seeing that he had put together his own lunch when I wasn't looking, and then labeled it just like he had seen his sister do. . . (as if the Speed Racer lunch box didn't give it away). I was just going to snap this photo and move on, but then I got curious:



What did he put in there?



Apparently, my son believes that a Caprisun, a jello, a pudding, and half a pack of saltines will get his little body through the day's demands.


To be honest, if I was five, I'd think this was a pretty rockin' lunch, too....


Of course, I had to do a little 'food-editing' and I'm sure he was disappointed when he found the carrot sticks and apple in there instead of jello and crackers (the pudding stayed, ... what kind of mom would I be...)

Moving on, I relished a brief moment of pride on seeing evidence that my nutrition attempts have not been completely lost on my kids.

Orca put together this lovely lunch ensemble - waitng for its companion sandwich (on wheat bread) (sandwiches aren't added until the morning so they don't get stale or soggy). Not bad. Granola bars count as whole grains, right?

Now, if I could just figure out how to sneak a vegetable in there...

Carolina Kids

I used to come to this track to work off stress after long hours at work or studying. Later, I walked miles and miles around it and up and down these steps to try to get rid of that baby-Sophie weight. I especially loved being here in the spring and fall.

But I don't remember it being this much fun.

Why are we here?

I've asked myself this question many times over the past 2 years.

It really was a fluke that we ended up moving to North Carolina. Back to Chapel Hill, which we had left years ago after grad school.

It wasn't in The Plan.

After all, who in their right mind moves back to the place that they were so glad to leave?

Not that it wasn't a nice place to live back then.

It was. We loved it and have wonderful memories. But we thought it was behind us.

But back then was a different time.

It was a time of being newlyweds.
Of learning who we were and how we fit together. Of being a poor little student family.
Of taking on student debt

Of uncertainty about the future.
Of memories...

When we left Chapel Hill, it was to embark on a new and bright future, full of promise and excitement...

a new job, a new state, a new baby on the way, buying a home, . . . so many possibilities.

Life was good. Things changed. Our family grew. More happy memories.

Then all at once, several different events aligned to bring us back to Chapel Hill.

Back to the beginning.

I resisted, procrastinated, made excuses, gave in:

"OK, but no longer than necessary."

It felt like starting over.
A weird kind of deja vu.
The same, but not.
Our old friends were gone.
We were different.

The places we had lived and visited looked odd...not quite as I remembered them. It's only temporary, I thought.

Two years later, I watched my kids playing together in the sand, racing each other around the track and thought about our lives here. They are happy here. They have friends, good schools, a safe, quiet neighborhood with wildlife to study, an awesome pool, and trails to roam, and grandparents nearby. This is a good place to grow up.

Mat has a good job. Our house is too small and older than I would like. It keeps us warm and dry, and it's almost paid for...

For many reasons, including new, difficult challenges that He knew we would face, and also for days like this one, I know, without a doubt, that the Lord, in his wisdom and love for us, has led us to the place we need to be. At the time we need to be here. We're home.